I hate some of those loyalty rewards cards that stores and restaurants hand out. Sometimes they are no big deal and sometimes they even come with the promise of free stuff on your birthday. Well, this one I received where I get my pharmacy needs at, Walgreens, was really reaching as far as I’m concerned. I get signed up for their damn emails and always told to go spend my points.

Walgreens Party Hour

It was my birthday a short while ago. I received this email from Walgreens saying “Richard time to party! Your birthday points are inside!”

Walgreens Birthday Email

 

Hey Walgreens. I am going to go out on a limb here and say when you use the words “oral” and “birthday” in the same email, what comes to most adults mind probably isn’t discounted toothpaste.

I mean, what a lovely birthday. Get well wishes from your friends on Facebook. Having a heart warming message from your parents. Getting love and presents. Then go down to the local Walgreens with your balance points where you can fuck shit up on all the Boonsfarm Wine. While you are at it, grab an arm load of enemas and magnum condoms… now it is a real birthday party!

Clean Water

Okay, “The more you buy, the more we give.” If you buy some laxatives and snickers bars, you can give another part of the world have clean water. Not to be too overly critical of this, but wouldn’t it be nice if we knew a multi-billion dollar corporation that could just put clean water in another part of the world without forcing its consumers to buy migraine medicine to get it done?

harrison ford shrug GIF by Star Wars

Hmmm…. too bad I don’t know any corporation that could do that.

More of this Amazing Walgreens Birthday Email

You thought it was done? Oh no, you are wrong my friend. There is more to this amazing email.

walgreens 2

Okay, first, let us look at this part of the email that immediately caught my eye….

THIS IS A FUCKING RUBBER!

I know Walgreens sells condoms but seriously, way to shove that down my throat….

Next we look to the left and apparently if you have a cold from a night of partying on a box of wine at Walgreens, you can get these products…

Hey, that Mucinex stuff is straight dope. It will help you party on your birthday! The other day before a concert I felt pretty bad and then almost this exact scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail happened…

Monty Python

Then if you look to the right of the giant condom, you see this advertisement of something to do for your birthday…

Not criticizing the vaccination process, but I’m pretty sure most of the population would not like penetration on their birthday to involve a flu vaccination is all I’m saying..


In conclusion, please stop these rewards points cards people. I don’t have the mental capacity or the wallet space to possibly store a card from every damn store. I also don’t have the time to read every damn marketing email. This one just happened to catch my attention at the absurdness of it. I’d much rather spend my birthday at something like a music festival.

Tagged ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *