Film, TV, & Books

Star Wars Holiday Special

So there has been one piece of Star Wars history I’ve avoided watching. I heard it was bad, but I had no idea. I found a copy of it on YouTube, and for your reading enjoyment, I give you the Star Wars Holiday Special. AHHHHHH!!!!!
Star Wars Holiday Special

We are looking at this as part of our Last Jedi month where we celebrate Star Wars all the way up to around the release of Star Wars Episode VIII – The Last Jedi.

 

We start off with a game show announcer announcing the whole cast, and introducing Chewbacca’s family… Lumpy, Itchy, and Mala. Awww…crap.

 


Meeting Chewbacca’s Family

We start off with Chewbacca’s family. Now, I’m not kidding about this, they speak in Wookie the entire time. So you’re not sure what’s going at all. They grunt basically for TEN FREAKING MINUTES! What the hell? Who thought this would be a good idea?

They look at a portrait of Chewbacca, and it seems they miss him or something. I don’t know. Is he dead? Not sure…

Then, they play with some sort of board thingy, which brings on hologram circus-type dancers. No idea who or what or why, but this goes on for about FIVE MINUTES.

Eventually, they get on video phone with Luke Skywalker… who is babyfaced as all hell…

Apparently, it is Life Day, an important day for Wookies. I imagine the Wookie greeting card companies came up with Life Day the same way The Simpsons came up with Love Day…

Luke Skywalker tells the female Wookie, Mala, and I’m not kidding about this, to smile, so people would like her. Oh Luke…


Wackiness at the Wookie Store.

On the right in the above picture we are introduced to Art Carney. Whose Art Carney? He was best known for his work with Jackie Gleason on Honeymooners and all if its sequel series. He’s WAAAYYYY too old timey in humor. So I guess Art Carney is Wookie for “Guy With Punchable Face Who is Not Remotely Funny.”

I can not put into words how much I want to punch this guy in the face. Thankfully, he’s only in HALF of the damn special. Jesus Christ, George Lucas…

Oh, and then Darth Vader makes a 3 second appearance, so that’s nice…


Star Wars Holiday Special Gets Weirder…

Then Mala puts on a cooking show on the TV, where we are greated by Harvey Korman in drag for some reason… I don’t know. I’ve seen better ensembles at a Lady Gaga concert, to be honest.

Let me get these direct quotes from this amazing character…

“It’s not only a very hearty, nourishing dish, but it’s very economical, too. So all those hungry mouths in your household will be going “yummy yum for their tummy tum.” If you just follow along with me as I prepare this popular favorite. ”

Oh and the best quote that is repeated OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR 5 FUCKING MINUTES IS…

“Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat. ”

Is this a cooking show or masturbation instructions?

We see Mala cooking and chopping some random thing. Seriously? When is Star Wars beginning? This should be called BARELY A STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL!

Then… Art Motherfucking Carney comes in and does his wacky shtick handing presents for Life Day to the Wookie family.

If you thought it wasn’t weird yet. YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ANYTHING. He puts Grandpa Itchy in a machine and says something like “This is a wow…”

It starts off with some weird bizarre LSD trip that the Wookie is having…

That’s the normal part, unfortunately, then it gets weirder.

This is legendary singer, songwriter, and actress… Diahann Carroll. That would be fine but here are some direct quotes from her character…

“Holographic wow : Am found in your eyes only eyes only – I am in your mind as you create me. Ohhh yes… I can feel my creation…

[giggles]

Holographic wow : I’m getting your message – are you getting mine?”

Itchy : [orgasmic sounding] ARRGGHHHUGHH!

Holographic wow : Oh… oh… we are excited, aren’t we?

Holographic wow : I am your fantasy. I am your experience. So experience me. I am your pleasure. Enjoy me. This is our moment together in time that we might turn this moment into an eternity.”

 

WAIT?! IS GRANDPA ITCHY LOOKING AT HUMAN PORN?! What the hell dude? What the fuck George Lucas?

That’s as far as it goes because apparently someone remembered this is a FAMILY SHOW and so she just started singing.

What the hell was that?!


We Built This City

Okay, we get beloved characters C3PO and Princess Leia finally!

…AAAANNND THEY’RE GONE. Instead, we get the Imperial forces show up at the doorstep of the Wookies and ART MOTHERFREAKING CARNEY

Art Carney sets up a machine for one of the Imperial army members who sits there for 5 minutes and watches Jefferson Starship Perform…

It is Jefferson Starship. (Get it???) Honestly, I don’t know what city they were playing in when this lovely footage was capture for the Barely a Star Wars Holiday Special, but it has to be built on Rock n Roll…


Finally… some Star Wars… in Cartoon Form

The best part of this is the cartoon… although did George Lucas have to get the worst illustrators humanly possible?

Seriously, what the hell is going on here?

…and holy shit? Is that Boba Fett? I think he’s making his Star Wars debut. It may be the worst animation and a Star Wars thing that is somehow worse than The Phantom Menace, but here is the one freaking saving grace of the whole thing. I think he gets about as much screen time in this as he does in the movies too.

Also, LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO HAN SOLO?!?!?! What the hell is that?!?!?!


15 Minutes of Bullshit on Tatooine…

Then, the imperial troopers have to watch the Empire propaganda film of Tatooine. So we get to look at one of the coolest settings in A New Hope… the Cantina…

Also, the bartender is my 4th favorite Golden Girl, Beatrice Arthur…

There’s some flirting and a whole lot of nothing going on. They break into a song and dance routine for absolutely no reason whatsoever…this whole pointless crap took 15 god damn minutes


HAPPY LIFE DAY!

Finally… Chewy and Han Solo make it to the Wookie planet for Life Day…

We get this semi-bizarre moment that I can’t completely unsee between husband and wife..

Then the rest of the Star Wars cast joins them and they have the Life Day ceremony complete with Carrie Fisher breaking out in… you guessed it, a song. She’s actually not bad, but at this point, its too late to care…


You Can Watch It

I missed a few points here and there including 10 minutes of building a toy but you get the idea. Basically its several long pointless segments that have no rhyme nor reason. You can watch it as its available (potentially illegally) on the YouTube. FEEL MY PAIN of the Star Wars Holiday Special, or at least it barely has anything really to do with what made Star Wars great.

 


NEXT ARTICLE: A LOOK AT STAR WARS MANGA

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