Comic Books,  GWT

Reading it for “The Plot”: Vampblade

In this series of fan service reviews, the first book I had reviwed was Tarot. Then I did Death Rattler. Now here comes my third comic I am reviewing for “The Plot,” Vampblade. These are what is called “Fan service” comic books.

What is Fan service? Basically, if it has little plot-redeeming value, but makes the viewer sit up and take notice, it’s probably fan service in one form or another.”

There have been arguments made for and against this type of art in comics. I’m personally not going to argue it either way. However, I always wondered, β€œAre these comics even any good?”

So here we go, reading this for The Plot.

The Cover

First, I picked this book up just for the cover alone.

“What kind of comic could sell you on reviewing it alone?” you ask…

Today I learned that apparently the female nipple is basically car battery jumper posts. If you need to jump your car, it is apparently its an energy source. I’m sure my wife would confirm they do harness some sort of energy.

But odd character design choice (and it is really odd), this comic does promise on the cover, in your face dimensional parasite action.

hell yeah yes GIF

Now again, I’m not the one that judges people reading or looking at these kind of books. I won’t be disappointed in you.

Having said that, the same may not be said for your mother, here represented by 80s and 90s moms. She is going to try to shield you from the art, and, let us face it, there is nothing we can ever do to stop moms once they have their mind set.

The Book

We open up in an unsuspecting comic book shop with our hero working in the comic book shop. Then, for whatever reason, the mob comes in to collect on a debt from the comic book shop owner.

Turns out, the comic book shop was just a money laundering scheme and a front. A front for what, I do not know.

So our hero sneaks to the back and finds these two swords mounted on the wall. She recognizes them from a comic book she read when she was a kid called Vampblade. She grabs them and then begins to transform into Vampblade!

The mom from Home Improvement won’t stand for such shenanigans, after all, she had to put up with this on the regular…

Tim Allen Power Tool GIF

Now Vampblade has many questions as to what is going on. I do, too, especially what I will now call the “Nipple Blades.” Don’t worry, Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince is here to protect our sensibilities from the elusive female nipple.

Here is Aunt Viv again. Again. she’s not mad, she’s just disappointed.

Then we have whatever the hell is going on here. Man, this is really not the best thing I have ever read, to be quite honest. In fact it has driven Kitty Forman from That 70s Show to drink…

I guess the Nipple Blades got a fever and the only prescription is not cowbell unfortunately. It is bloodshed.

So we move on to Vampblade just deciding to freaking stab herself. In this case, I agree with the Home Alone mom, Momma McAllister.

I can’t really make sense of this book at all but apparently the police have Vampblade surrounded. She gives a very simple explanation that makes TOTAL SensE. Yeah, Mrs Costanza knows what is really going on. After all, she knows a thing or two about walking in on someone reading a book and treating things like “an amusement park.”

In conclusion, looking back at the previous two reviews, Tarot had a good plot even though the lead probably has back problems as she gets older. Death Rattler was good cheesy fun even though the Priest was not conducting a proper Mass. This… this is just a mess. I’m sorry people, I do not recommend this one.

2 Comments

  • Tre Heitman

    YES! LOL! Love that review. Thats seriously hilarious. Erica says her nipples dont channel the same energy and she even said, not reading this “they’re not a car battery” spot on comparison from both of you, hahahaha. This is fantastic, I love the moms allover. that cracks me up!

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